Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
