Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
