He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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