Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
