at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
