dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
