He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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