I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
