i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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