it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
