so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
