Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She told me I should be a condom model.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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