I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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