Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
