its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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