He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
