Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
