The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
