He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
