Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we should paint friendship bongs
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