you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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