I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
