I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
