life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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