I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
