Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
