he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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