So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
