Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
try to milk me bitch
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
