i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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