He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wish my penis had a tongue
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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