quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
