Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
