Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
