Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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