I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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