I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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