Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think my fart just growled at me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
