I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
