you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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