My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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