I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
