My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
