What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
