Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
