2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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