bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
