if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
