can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
