Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
