My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize