I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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