I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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