i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
