I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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