I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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