I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
