So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
