Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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